For most of my life, I have known that there has always a fine thin line separating life and death, joy and sadness, beauty and ugliness. I've heard they are faces of the same coin, and all in the span of a few days, I experienced all of these things. I wonder why I feel guilty when I'm so happy & know someone else is having the worst day of their life? Is it because I've felt something like it even though I've never walked in those shoes? I don't know, but all of the emotions hit me last night at my son's wedding. Yep, it all made a very ugly appearance right on my face.
This past week was crazy. Wedding week will take the fiercest person & potentially make them a little crazy and potentially an emotional wreck. Oh heck, who am I kidding, I was both & had the emotions in spades. But wedding week wasn't the only thing happening. Child #4 had state playoffs for lacrosse & we had home-field advantage. Being the #1 seed is a great thing unless you're trying to get everything ready for said wedding. Did I mention the wedding was out of town, because yeah, it was 2 hours away? Also, on his way to Birmingham on Wednesday, Hopson's car decided it needed a new transmission. Y'all I promise I'm not making this up. Ok, I'm going to stop myself here. The wedding/lacrosse post has so many moving parts, so I'm moving it back a few days. I need a chance to rest & make sure I remember everything.
I'll do all the wedding stuff in a part deux, because today is Mother's Day. My kids are always asking what to get me for different holidays. I don't need a lot. I'm blessed beyond measure, and I don't say that lightly. I have walked that thin line. My dad passed away 29 years ago May 7th, Mother's Day week. I remember the look on my grandmother's face as we buried her only child. It was devastating. My own mother has been gone for 23 & a half years. That's a long time & I was just becoming a mom myself. That whole phrase, fake it 'till you make it, may have been written for me. I know I messed up along the way & hopefully didn't scar my kiddos too badly. I am blessed with a beautiful mother-in-law. She has been supportive and so loving for the last 27+ years that I've been married to her son.
I know my children don't realize when they give me the gifts I want, but the day of the wedding I received a beautiful blessing. As Harry (#2) & Henry (#4) walked down the aisle to serve as groomsmen for Hop (#1), instead of shaking his hand, they both leaned in & gave him a huge man hug. I don't know if they were told to, but if they were, thank you Jane (the wedding coordinator) you made me cry. It's the moments they least expect that mean so much. Stuff is unimportant to me. I just want my children to love each other because one day, I won't be here to encourage togetherness & I want them to like each other as well as love each other. The best gifts they give me are laughter over playing games, sharing the excitement and joy of milestones in each other's lives, and time together.
While posting happy pics on social media at the wedding, I read where a friend's daughter had passed away. She's the same age as Henry, 18. The thin line indeed. I remember suddenly feeling guilty for being happy. I remember looking at Elizabeth (#3) & imagining my life without her. I think of only having her for 18 years, or any of my children for that matter for such a short time. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to crawl through my social media account to my friend & let her know how sorry I am & I wish I could make it better. Her life will never be the same. She will always feel like a part of her is missing until she is reunited with her in heaven. There are no words that can take away the deep wound of losing a child.
So, today moms, I honor & pray for you. If you have lost a child, I am so sorry you are carrying that load & am praying for God's divine comfort. It is a pain too heavy to carry on your own & I pray for people to walk alongside you who can give you comfort. If you are a mom & have a strained relationship with your child, I am praying for reconciliation. The kind of reconciliation Christ extends to everyone. If you have always wanted to be a mom, I am praying for a miracle for you. I know God still performs miracles. If you are an adoptive or foster parent, I am praying for blessings of kinship for you and your child. To birthmothers, may God bless you tremendously for recognizing your child's worth before they even drew breath, and have the courage no one may know about. If you have lost your mother, I pray for mentors to step in to help you along this life journey. God gives us spiritual mothers too.
Walking the thin line with love,
~ashley